poem

blessing the boats
by Lucille Clifton
(at St. Mary's) may the tide that is entering even now the lip of our understanding carry you out beyond the face of fear may you kiss the wind then turn from it certain that it will love your back may you open your eyes to water water waving forever and may you in your innocence sail through this to that

things that continue to evade me

1. A wash and wear hairstyle. Simple enough right? Wrong. I got so close with this product called Kinky-Kurly, which apparently is like gold on the black hair care index. After months of trying to find the product, I used it and was horribly disappointed. After doing some research I found about ten videos on you-tube explaining how to apply the product. I will try again when I'm feeling ambitious.
2. Google. I don't think I will ever be able to use the available tools to completely maximize my day to day efficiency and achieve complete and total organization. So frustrating
3. Time management. I thought for sure I'd get it together after high school, but it looks like this is going to be a life long pursuit.

Public Service Announcement

There is an issue that I feel very strongly about that I have avoided talking about here. On more than one occasion I have stopped myself from writing about this unpleasant topic for fear of sounding too preachy or weird.

Finally I am speaking out about flossing.

Yes, flossing with dental floss.

A friend of mine took up the cause on her own blog, and now I feel inspired to share my story.

Flossing is incredible. I started flossing my teeth regularly about 4 years ago, and let me just say, I'm never going back to brushing alone. Why didn't I always floss you ask. I hated the shame of answering "sometimes" when the dental hygienist inquired about my oral upkeep twice a year, but let's face it, flossing can be painful, and inconvenient. But all that changed with a little discipline and the right technique. Once I committed to flossing every day I started to like it, because it actually feels good. Really it does. My teeth feel much cleaner from day to day, and I can leave the dentist's chair guilt free. Even if I fall asleep on my couch, at 2am, and I'm already in my pjs, I get up and I floss before I get into bed, because it improves the quality of my life that much. Now that I'm a changed woman, waking up with unflossed teeth is just discusting and completlye uneccesary.

For those who are of a spiritual persuasion, flossing has been a parable in my life. When I wanted to get in shape I dreaded exercising every day, but I remembered my first few weeks of flossing, and the transformation it brought, and was able to press on. When I say this out loud to people they think I'm kind of ridiculous. No one says it to my face, but I get a kind of awkward chuckle. So I've stopped referencing this part of who I am. Maybe I am ridiculous. But I am also completely serious. Flossing works.

A strange account of the last 20 months

A year and a half ago my friend introduced me to explodingdog.com. This artist, Sam Brown, draws pictures of titles that people send him and posts them online. I can imainge Sam Brown sifting through his inbox every morning, scrolling, scrolling, looking for inspiration. He receives hundreds of titles a day, so I was pretty amazed that the first one I sent, "here I am being patient" was selected. The high was unbelievable. I'm lying. It was definitely believable, but very exciting nonetheless. I sent another one a few days later, and nothing. Since that day I have been sending titles to Sam Brown whenever the fancy strikes. When something small happens that I just don't think anyone else would care about. Or when I'm overcome with girlish angst. Sigh. Girlish angst.
So here are the titles dating back to June 2007, that were not good enough for Sam Brown, but are good enough for my blog. Because I control the content here.
        
how about rolling on the floor?‎
       
will you draw something pretty for me so i can feel special
       
I am a seagull‎
       
sometimes I just stare at the computer screen
       
pick this one‎  
       
please send me a message‎     
       
i waited for you‎     
       
please talk to me‎
       
my stomach drops 3 floors when i think of you
   
if only he knew‎
       
I met a boy‎         

ask me out damn it!‎
            
hair, I miss you!‎
       
will anything be the same?‎        
                
you are full of grace and gumption‎
           
i might implode‎
       
can you draw a prophetic picture about what will happen in my life in the next 4 months?‎
       
free night stand...free one night stand‎
                
i'm falling into my desk

my gums are starting to hurt

my boss gave me a piece of the berlin wall

you will no longer be in my world

how will i find him?

it's freakin cold in here

sometimes I can't even feel my hand on the mouse

why doesn't he see me?

a small part of me dies every Monday

is this really my job?

my desk is a boat sometimes

i guess i'm too sensitive

today is almost my birthday

here I am being patient

Happy Birthday Jesus

I took this photo of a building detail when I was in Prague

This morning I woke up in my old roommate's bed surrounded by all of my stuff (I just finished painting my bedroom, so I moved everything to her's, and was too tired to move it back last night). Back in November I had hopes of celebrating the advent season and counting down the days until Christmas, but here I am on December 24th, and the whole month has been a whirlwind. So instead of greatly anticipating the arrival of Christmas, I have stumbled upon it.

I read Luke 1 and 2 under the covers. I forgot how amazing that story is. There are like four angel visitations--if you're not familiar with the Bible, that's a big deal, for there to be four visitations in two chapters. I think if the story was updated, and set in California, Mary and Joseph would have been relegated to a parking garage in a town between Bakersfield and Fresno, and the newborn Jesus would be wrapped in newspaper and lying in a cardboard box. Instead of shepherds, potbellied truckers (who hadn't showered in days, and smelled like cigarette smoke) taking a break at a rest stop off of highway 5 would have been visited by the angelic hosts, and would make their way in a caravan of big rigs to the Motel 5 parking lot where the baby was.

Today will be a busy day of buying last minute gifts, wrapping presents, writing cards, and cooking things (okay, just one thing, I only have to cook one thing, but still). I wish I had meditated on the magnitude of Christmas for weeks, but I didn't, so I will think about it today as I go about my business, and remember that God is good, and merciful, and sometimes we wait for things and sometimes they are given to us unexpectedly.

Merry Christmas!

Gratitude

Moleskine ... the legendary notebook of Van Gogh, Chatwin, Hemingway, Matisse and Céline~
Originally uploaded by Tja'Sha ♥

Simple things: wearing pajamas until 3pm on a rainy day, cuteness (found in puppies, children, romantic comedies, etc), google--they're so practical!, waking up without an alarm clock, sundays, harry potter, laughing out loud at dvds I've seen so many times, chocolate, hot showers, baked goods, comfy coffee shop seating, the internet, my camr (the y was stolen some time ago), facebook, moleskin journals, yoga, music, having a great line of text in a scene (i.e. "i thought it looked like you were sitting in her car, in the front seat of her car...making out")

conceptual things: grace, love, freedom, joy, reciprocation, art, discovery, play

family: mom, dad, azizi, sanai, ileia, home, people who will always have me over for dinner, the feeling of completeness when we're all in the same room, the financial decisions and sacrifices I will never fully comprehend, people who will always see my shows, reconciliation and forgiveness, band of nigerian children and adults speaking in yourba and showing up in vans, aunts who won't drive on the freeway, uncles who make gumbo or play the bass

friends: activity buddies, people to call just to say hi, people to visit, people who i call when I'm balling and need someone to pray with, people who share their lives with me, people who are there every day, and people who make phone dates to catch up, people who know that I'm talking about a boy because I say "I'm doing good" in a certain way, people who tell me when I'm being ridiculous

mentors: those i look up to, people who look at me and see things that aren't there yet, people who speak into my life, people who give me their time for little in return, people who are invested in my emotional/spiritual/artistic growth, people who ask hard questions, people who have perspective, people who are perceptive, people who follow up about things that happened a while ago, people who are watching my trajectory

10 things that have crossed my mind today

1. Disaster and strife. Did you know that in less than four weeks Haiti--the poorest country in the western hemisphere-- was bit four huricanes!? That's crazy. Why isn't this in the news at all? Hundreds of people have died and who is noticing?

2. Faith and politics

3. Doughnuts at Frittelli's

4. Seasons. Not like summer and winter, but life seasons: post college, grad school, engagement, waiting, refining, etc. Some are circumstantial and others are emotional. I think I'm in a season of developing courage (for what, I'm not sure yet).

5. My nieces. I love them :)

6. Eye contact. I have to make a lot of eye contact with my classmates throughout the day in various acting exercises. It's fascinating, and completely unnatural to look into somebody's eyes for more than a few seconds. Someone once pointed out to me that when you look into person's eyes, you can only look at one eye at a time. Isn't that funny?

7. Cleopatra was a complicated woman according to Shakespeare.

8. Harry Potter IV will be in my possession very soon.

9. Changing the nail polish on my toes.

10. I relish Sunday when it's here, and remember it fondly when it's gone. Fortunately it comes back again every week.